I hate being right sometimes... She hasn't found somebody better then me, so far. And she never will. Likewise, neither have I and neither will I. I hardly even bother these days, why should I? She's the standard for comparison and she's impossible to beat. Still though, it's sad.... At least one of us deserves to be happy, to be loved.....
I wish upon my magic livejournal that my true love Kristine would come back to me one more time. Hey, the third time's the charm as they say. What the hell, it could happen. It worked once before ya know.... See for yourself....
- Mood:
lonely
In the not too distant past a very dear friend of mine suddenly and unexpectedly found herself in need of a restraining order when two investigators from child protective services appeared at her door along with her 11 year old daughter, giving her full and immediate custody. The restraining order was necessary to protect the daughter and her mother from the child's father, with whom she had lived for most of her life. This was a terrible shock to the whole family as details of the pending case came forward over the next few months. A year later the trial was finally held. The father was found guilty of ongoing sexual assault (i.e. rape) of his own daughter and 3 other pre-teen victims and was sent to prison.
So I learned all about restraining orders then and I witnessed the gravity and expediency with which the court applied this important legal tool which was critical to the safety and well being of the family. The restraining order was "granted unconditionally" to protect a little girl and her family from an inhuman and evil monster, to prevent him from perpetrating another one of his sick and heinous crimes before he went to prison.
In comparison, Kathy's problem with James is trite, ludicrous and utterly insignificant and clearly the judge agreed. It would be unconscionable to me to abuse the legal system like this and it is incomprehensible to me how narcissistic, self-absorbed and emotionally unwell a person would have to be to seek a legal solution to what is clearly a psychological problem.
- Mood:
satisfied
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. - May 08, 2009 (CASTLE NEWSWIRE)
For immediate release.
----------------------------------------
DARKMAS MISSING, CASTLE IN RUINS, FLUFFLES DEAD AGAIN!
In an unknown catastrophe, the castle of prince
Darkmas, a.k.a. the hermit of darkness has fallen,
having been ravished by unknown forces. Moreover, the
whereabouts of prince Darkmas himself are unknown and
there is no clue to his disappearance except the note,
quoted below. Additionally, there was no sign of the
security staff - Gwenievere, Morgan le Fey and Merlin,
the Bengal tiger, lynx and black panther that are
darkmas's loyal companions who normally guard him and
the castle were also nowhere to be found and are
presumed to be with the hermit of darkness himself.
The only eyewitness to the carnage was Mr. Fluffles,
the road kill animal, who was found dead again in
the alley, apparently run over by a snow plow driven
by a cat. "Can't you see! I'm dead. Again!" was all
he could say, repeating over and over the same words
and has been no help in solving the mystery.
Brickman, head of operations at the fallen castle held
his head in disbelief, saying "this is the darkest of
all days ever have I seen." Emergency distress calls
are being sent around the clock to Captain Stephanie
Seagull of the Black Lung, but to no avail. Brickman
was quoted as saying "Ms. Seagull and her ship were
last seen circling the island of Guam, but due to the
extreme difficulty of radiotelephone reception near
the equator, all attempts to contact Ms. Seagull and
her crew have thus far failed. Still we remain hopeful
that we will prevail and upon reaching Ms. Seagull she
will come to his aid." Prince Darkmas and Ms. Seagull
have a long standing friendship and have always been
known to count on each other in past times of woe.
Here is the letter, left behind apparently by Darkmas,
the hermit of darkness....
----------------------------------------
Dear friends,
Yes, it's true. I'm outta here. And thank God for that. I've been unhappy for a long, long time now. You see - I don't want to be here any more, and I haven't wanted to for several years now. I am indeed a zombie stuck in limbo... You shall see... Read on..
It may surprise you to know that I'm sick of living the party life and have been for some time. When I met Kristine, I learned accidentally that I love kids, and as we planned to move in together I began to look forward to spending (most of) my free time doing things like reviewing the kids homework, going to water parks, amusement grounds, state fairs, etc.. Yes, me! Doing many of the things families with kids do! Through it I became aware of what the next phase of my life was going to be (finally). And I was looking forward to it.
But when Kristine dumped me, well, there I was. Wanting to go forward into the next phase of life. Yet, seeing how it requires more than just me, well I could no longer go there, now could I? Likewise, going backwards to where I'd just come from (twice already if you recall the "Jill" years) was no longer appealing either. That's why, for example, the painting/decorating of the castle just stopped mid-wall. (There was a whole theme in mind, remember?) Yes, even without Kristine I still want to have a good gal and some crazy kids to spend much of my spare time with - it really is how I want to spend my life now. Sure, I'd still pop into a club now and then - you never get it out from under your skin completely. But there was something inexplicably satisfying and rewarding, and unexpectedly so, reviewing Alice's homework or even playing with little Cathy's toy horses. I can't explain it in words. Perhaps it appeals to the white knight, the "mentor" part of the dominant inside me, all on its own merit. But I liked it, no, I loved it and it all came so naturally.
Well, anyway, without a family to move forward with, and without any real desire to continue to live the party life, I'm stuck in the middle - stuck between two phases of my life, just like a zombie in limbo. And I have been for quite a while now. So, I have only one real option then. That is to move sideways, still in limbo, but sideways somewhere - anywhere - hoping to find a place in life (given that I've no gal or family) in which I can find some happiness. So there it is, there it was and there it has been. I don't know where I'm going - I've got some vague ideas but that's about it.... NYC, New Orleans, FL, LA, who knows?
Finally I can not say enough about how much I miss Kristine and the kids. I can not think of (or find) three more wonderfully imperfect yet "perfect for me" people to live and enjoy life with, yet it is not to be. This letter sums it up - it is from three years ago when I took Kristine and her eldest daughter Alice to the monster truck show, it is hand written on Hello Kitty stationary and is kept in my safe among my most priceless treasures.....
"Dear Bill,
Thank you for taking me to so many places. I really like the spy goggles and the Disney magazine. I think you're the coolest person I've ever met. I also liked the monster truck show at the end. I loved the pizza.. I also liked the donuts. I like the hotel and especially room service. I liked the cake. I liked riding the cable car because I got to stand. I heard how much you spent at the hotel that is a lot of money. I miss you all ready a lot! I really had fun playing the organ. I like your cats Googy and Merlin. Thank you for buying the roses. Also for taking me to dinner, breakfast and lunch. Plus I like your house a lot too. Please write to me back. P.S. I miss you. Try to write me back.
Love, Alice"
- Mood: peaceful
Anyway, I went out last night. Oh what fun....
- As I was just entering the club the song that was playing is the one that, by far above all others (for many reasons) fills me with terrible emotional turmoil.
- Somebody was nice to me who shouldn't have been.
- Somebody intoxicated told me she loved me who shouldn't.
- Somebody unexpectedly brought up somebody I once loved and professed how great we were together.
- Someplace far away that I was just about to move to is now effectively off limits.
- Somebody that I miss is far away and probably won't be back anytime soon.
- 3 people told me things I didn't want to hear before I could stop them.
- I longed to hold someone's hand and wished she was with me who used to love me but hates me.
- I realized more than ever I need to move far away from this place and never look back.
Obviously I'm fuckin' crazy.
Hehe.
Haha.
Hoho .
- Mood: morose
Occam's razor (of which I am a proponent) explains things easily: after a year she got bored, fell out of love and eventually moved on.
But, I have a much more elaborate explanation. One that I "made up in my head" but that I keep near and dear to my heart. It goes like this....
Something *happened* that summer. Something involving her neighbor (and perhaps his GF). Things got out of control and she did something she considers wrong, very bad, something she "swore she would never do". But she did. After all, she is only human. But, she was filled with guilt, shame, she felt hypocritical and could not bear to face me and admit what happened even though I was OK with it. Instead, she turned away from me and began to distance herself emotionally. Because I wasn't there often enough, she began to blame me internally for what happened, convinced herself that I never really cared about her and that our relationship wasn't real. Finally, after six months of pulling away, she ended our relationship with a cold, bitter text message: "Stop. Leave us alone! It's over. Period." So I left her alone for six months which gave her enough time to accept the new version of history she had slowly re-written in her head. But then I re-appeared, flowers in hand and shocked her back into reality - I really did love her and always had. At first she was scared but she began to slowly open her heart to the truth again - that she still loves me dearly, I'm still the "best thing that ever happened to her" and she misses me and thinks about me every single day. Likewise, her heart has opened to the fact that I feel the same about her - I love her unconditionally. But it is hard for her to accept that so each time we begin to re-connect with each other she gets scared, runs away and hides from the past, like she often has throughout her life.
Pretty fuckin' crazy, eh?
Edited 1/22 2:00am
Here's really why....
Something *happened* that summer. Something that made me think she cheated on me, although I was wrong and she didn't. But, I was paranoid owing to having been cheated on in every past relationship, however this was no excuse. So I accused her falsely, culminating in my calling her a "lying whore" during a phone conversation. This hurt her deeply and she has never been able to forgive me for it. And I can't say I blame her. My accusation was unfair and unfounded and terrible. Still, two years have gone by and I still love her - I think about her and miss her and the kids every day. I keep hoping for forgiveness, but I doubt it will come. Still, we have seen each other once since we broke up and we almost did several other times as well. But I keep screwing it up every time. I am too jealous. I am too possessive. I want her all to myself. I want her completely. I can't help that fact - that I want her for my very own, forever. I know what I have to do know if another chance ever comes, but ironically it won't ever again. I destroyed the love of my life through my own insecurity. I guess I never really believed a girl as incredible as her could ever love me in the first place.
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